Last night I had a nightmare, the first since Bob raised his ugly head. I was in hospital, expecting Nigel to come and do the business. Instead, I was taken down to the operating theatre and a team of people I didn’t recognise put me to sleep and removed Bob. No explanation, no ‘awake surgery’ no laptop. When I came round I thought I had maybe had some exploratory surgery in preparation for Nigel. But it seemed everyone was very amused that I expected anything else. I asked to see the surgeon (a woman) but instead got to speak to some director of surgery who rolled his eyes in a very patronising manner. What was I expecting? This was the routine. I tried to explain that I trusted Nigel and that whilst I knew I had a grade 4 glioma, I preferred not to die from it ant time soon. More eye rolling…..
It was a horrible nightmare. It showed me exactly what It would be like not to have faith, to be dependant upon people you don’t know and love and trust, to feel that it you don’t keep your wits about you something or someone is going to pull a fast one on you. And when you have a brain tumour, or indeed anything that is going to put you under the surgeons knife, you are going to be put in a very vulnerable state. It is said, under general anaesthetic, we are closer to death than we have ever been before, we are totally in the anaesthetists hands.
I awoke to that wave of relief you get when you escape any nightmare. It is not real: Nigel does exist, I am going to be awake when he removes Bob, and God is in contol.